Ozark & Bad Blood: The Marty Byrde Droppings

CU Buffaloes: “We’re gonna go out there this weekend and be the most embarrassing example of football the state of Colorado has ever seen.”

Denver Broncos:

They did it. For the second season in a row, and likely the foreseeable future, the Denver Broncos broke me. Eight weeks faster than they did last year. 

There is no rant. There is no analysis. There are no picks.

Well. There is one rant. And it’s for Mike McDaniel and the Miami Dolphins:

Taking a knee at the end there, Mike? That’s crap! 

Sorry. 

Kick the FG, get 73, and set the damn record. 

If you’re the losing team in that situation, it isn’t rubbing it in when a record like that is on the line. Miami easily gets 73 without rubbing anything in. And Denver deserved it. In fact, fake the FG and get 80, I say.  

Ugh.  

So instead of being able to say I watched the game where the point record was set, I get to say I watched the game where the pussies from Miami could’ve set the record and chose not to. 

Ugh again. 

 

And now, as if the football Gods have my testicles in firm grip and want to yank them up thru my nostrils and into the heavens, I have to watch the fucking Chiefs with Fox showing Taylor Swift in the luxury box every other play. 

Fml. Now I Got Bad Blood. 

There. *deep breath and heavy sigh*

There you have it. The Denver Broncos sucked the NFL fun right out of me to such a level that I find myself disgusted with the Miami Dolphins for not adding to it or doing it better.

Second year in a row. Or is it the seventh?

Doesn’t matter, either way I finally have an appreciation for what it must be like to be a Lions or Clippers fan. 

Goodbye cruel world. Goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Kelce, all hunky-effing-dory in Chiefsville. Goodbye weekly picks.

I’m heading deep into the Ozark to launder my soul. It’s me, Hi. 

You’ve been Byrde Dropped. 

Saturday Didn’t Age Well: The Bird’s Week 3 NFL Picks… plus one more.

Welp. If you had the Under on which week The Bird lashes out on the sorry state of the Denver Broncos, you are sitting pretty my friend. Sitting very pretty.

That being said…  I am in far too good of a mood after going 4-0 against the spread last week to allow Vance Joseph’s look of a soft, 2-deep safety zone on 3rd & 2 to ruin my vibe. 

No siree. I’m putting 8 in the box and daring Week 3 to try me. Let’s go!

Chicago at Kansas City (-12.5)

This is a shit-ton of points to give, until you remember it’s the Bears you’re giving them to.  

One team’s quarterback is the most talented State Farm spokesperson ever, while the other is rocketing towards becoming the most talented State Farm employee ever.

Justin Fields this season when given
 a clean pocket and open receivers. 

He’ll be selling insurance in Joliet, IL if this keeps up. The Chiefs get an easy one at home. 

Chiefs 34  Bears 17

Denver at Miami (-6.5)

Russell Wilson has been made fun of aplenty in this space, but he’s actually been pretty damn good of late and in Week 2 kinda resembled ca. 2014 Seattle Russ. It’s maddening. I mean, he’s the 4th ranked QB in the league through two weeks, for Pete's sake (not Carroll). 

Russell Wilson is the 4th ranked QB thru Week 2.
Tua Tagovailoa is ranked 7th. 

Unfortunately though, Denver’s defense has a knack for making guys like Sam Howell, Terry McClaurin, and Brian Robinson look like Joe Theisman, Art Monk, and John Riggins. For the love of grown-men-who-dress-up-like-hogs. Tua is gonna look like Goddamn Dan Marino and his receivers might as well be the U.S. Olympic Track Team.  

Two things I know going into this one:

1- Vic Fangio has some shit up his sleeve. He probably spent all week in his mad scientist’s lab concocting some defensive mastery using ingredients from that fanny pack he always sports. Look at the sacks in the above graphic. Yikes. Here comes Chubb. 

2- It’s the dreaded, east coast early kickoff for our heroes in orange. Which, my entire life (sans for 1997) means they are about to have a turd-in-the-punch-bowl kind of game. And we are mighty used to those these days.

In no world do these two things go well together. 

Dolphins 27  Broncos 17

Dallas (-12.5) at Arizona

Via their local United Way program, the Arizona Cardinals visited a small orphanage in Mexico this week.

“It was sad to see the looks of apathy and hopelessness on their faces,” said Luis, age 11. 

Gimme the Cowboys.

Dallas 29  Arizona 9

CU Buffs (+21) at Oregon Ducks

Look. I don’t know if CU will win this game or not. If I trust the pundits... probably not. But I do know they are going to give themselves a chance.

Twenty-one points feels like a disrespect of Henry Blackburn proportions. Three touchdowns? To the nation’s most efficient passing offense as ran by perhaps the Heisman Trophy front runner?  Is Joey Harrington or Dan Fouts playing this Saturday for the Ducks?

Here's why this will be close enough to bet the Buffaloes:

CU's last-minute, come from behind double OT win in last Saturday’s Rocky Mountain Showdown scared people. "America" saw CU “struggle” to beat a Mountain West team at home, when just two weeks ago they watched Oregon win a non-conference game 81-7. That's what Power 5 teams are supposed to do anytime they are not playing each other. Add in the Travis Hunter effect. The two, hand-in-hand, Viagra'd this line 14 points after the futures had Oregon -7 just ten days ago.

Bet the Buffs. The cover is there. Good Lord and Sal Aunese up in Heaven, dare I say the upset is there?

Indulge me: What if CU gets themselves into a TCU-like shootout and it just so happens, at the end of the day, they have the better quarterback and playmaker? What if black & gold speed trumps green & yellow size? 

Vegas has the Over/Under for this at 70. Seventy! Which means, posting Oregon at -21 suggests the Ducks are gonna have to score like 50 points just to cover. Which also means, if you trust CU can score... a shootout is coming.

Watch my Buffs go into Autzen Stadium and win this thing. Then the roof is really gonna get torn off the mothersucker.  —Parliament.

CU 39  Oregon 38 

Shedeur Sanders and his band of play-making ruffians.
Wait a minute- being told that's George Clinton and Parliament.

Tear the roof off
We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker
Tear the roof off the sucker
Tear the roof off
We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker
Tear the roof off the sucker

Oww, we want the funk, give up the funk
Oww, we need the funk, we gotta have the funk!

Last Week Straight Up Winners: 3-1

Last Week Against the Spread:  4-0

Season Total Straight Up Winners: 4-4

Season Total Against the Spread:  5-3

Dumb & Dumber: The Bird’s Week 2 NFL Picks

And just like that, we’re off and running! 

You know, it’s hard to believe but there were more episodes of this year’s Hard Knocks (5) than snaps taken by Aaron Rodgers in a Jets uniform (4). Damn. 

Sir. Aaron Rodgers is down.

Let’s move to Week 2, Electric Boogaloo! 

Oh. But first, a lightning quick recap of last week’s picks:

Click for a very brief recap of Week 1

Yep. Simple as that.

Off we go!

New York Giants at Arizona (+4)

There was a brief moment recently when the most repellent thing to happen this month was that Atlanta-to-Barcelona flight that had to turn around because a passenger had “violent diarrhea” all the way down the aisle at 30,000 feet.

Oh, the horror.

Then I saw Daniel Jones and Joshua Dobbs play quarterback last Sunday. 

This is disgusting.

When such repulsiveness is in play, always take the points and the under. 

Giants 20  Cardinals 17

New York Jets at Dallas (-9)

So the Jets just pulled off the equivalent of a 23-year old gamer, who happened to be in Seat 7A and has massive Air Combat 7 Xbox experience, landing a 737 after the pilot dies mid-flight over the Atlantic. Probably because some lady shit herself down the aisle.

Jesus. It won’t happen this way in Week 2 I assure you. Not for the MILF Hunter Zach Wilson against that Dallas D.

While New York’s defense should put up a better fight than did their step brothers from the Wellington Mara brood, Dallas will be far superior once again today. 

The Jets defense trying to hold up Zach Wilson
and the offense for the next 16 weeks. 

Cowboys 27  Jets 12

Washington (+3.5) at Denver 

The annual Bird Droppings “rant on the state of the Denver Broncos” is nigh, my friends. Very nigh.

I told a good friend and Droppings Gold Club Member before last week’s opener that the over/under for said rant was Week 5 1/2. We simultaneously took the under. Stay tuned. 

That being said, if you can’t beat Sam Howell at home, who can you beat?

Broncos 19   Commanders 16

Kansas City (-3.5) at Jacksonville  

Normally I would pray to God for a Jacksonville win that sends KC to an 0-2 start for the season. 

However, since God has more pressing things like Moroccan earthquake victims, Ukrainian refugees, and people from the Atlanta diarrhea plane to answer prayers for, I’ll just bet on the Chiefs and exact my reverse jinx powers. 

Chiefs 31  Jaguars 27

Enjoy the weekend of football, folks! 

Season Total Straight Up Winners: 1-3

Season Total Against the Spread:  1-3

Guess Who’s Back, Back Again: The Bird's Week 1 NFL Picks

Greetings friends!

The clamoring has become unbearable, and it is abundantly clear that a proper dose of The Bird’s prognostications about football and gambling is exactly what the people want.

Let's sound the horn and see what drops.

Our world has changed considerably since I drop-kicked the old crystal ball last season somewhere between Thanksgiving and Nathaniel Hackett’s 57th utterance of, “Well, we had a great week of practice.” 

When The Droppings were last penned, the Chiefs were the league’s model franchise, Aaron Rodgers was America’s biggest drama queen, DeShaun Watson and Donald Trump were vying for title of “most lawsuits against,” and Bill Belichick’s transition into an old woman continued unabated. 

On second thought, not much has changed. 

Except…

Sadly, the business of life has made it necessary to kick out a slightly abbreviated version of The Bird Droppings this season. I know, I know. Those of you accustomed to long but extraordinarily insightful analysis may be saddened by this turn of events.

Others of you are probably thanking a variety of deities for the break.

Either way I hold no ill will. The best thing for all of us is simply: Football is back!

So then. Riding the emotional high of that good old-fashioned ass-throttling of the Nebraska Cornhuskers we just witnessed, let’s “drop” some knowledge. 

The Bird Droppings:

Las Vegas at Denver (-3.5)

I figure it’s been ten months since I blindly believed in the Broncos despite every synapse in my brain firing off risk-assessment warnings and little siren sounds to my prefrontal cortex. With mental block like that I might as well go BASE jumping. Or, better yet, I’ll screw myself right out of the gates this season by picking the Donkeys to cover.

The Bird is at it again.

Only that guy from Free Solo who scaled El Capitan with no ropes could scoff in the face of risk better than The Bird. 

Broncos 26  Raiders 20

Cincinnati (-2) at Cleveland

Short of learning that I just woke from a thirty-year coma and that I actually believe it's 1988 again, I see no reason why I would bet the Browns here.  Even at home getting free points.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Debbie Gibson mix taping to do.

Bengals 38 Browns 35

Philadelphia (-3.5) at New England

The nagging question of whether or not William Stephen Belichick has a soul is not relevant for this particular game. At some point this season it will be, but not this week.

What is relevant is that Philadelphia, with arguably this season’s leading MVP candidate and coming off a heartbreaking Super Bowl loss, is more than competent and extremely motivated.

I need say no more.

Eagles 24  Patriots 17

Dallas at New York Giants (+3.5)

If there is one constant in the treacherous world of NFL prognostication, it is that the Dallas Cowboys will always be overvalued whenever they show the slightest signs of not sucking.

And since an 0-0 team coming off back-to-back 12-5 playoff campaigns can’t officially be classified as sucking in the grand scheme of things, it makes perfect sense that the metallic blue pants would be so generously favored here. 

If you believe in trends, you might take the ‘Boys this day. They have covered in 4 of the last 5 meetings. You probably also wear a new-age fanny pack around your clavicle. Hey, you do you however you see fit as far as trends go.

The Bird laughs at such trends. 

Not me though. I like the G-Men getting points as home dawgs in the SNF opener. They might even win this thing.

Giants 23  Cowboys 20

Football is here. Boulder Colorado is alive and at the epicenter of the sport. And Nathaniel Hackett lives 1,800 miles away from Russel Wilson. What a time to be alive.

Until next time. Be well, my fiends!

Down to the Last Drop(pings): The Bird’s Week 13 Pick

Anyone who knows me is aware that for the better part of four decades I have treated Denver Broncos football as a religion.

I’ve never missed a game, and that is not hyperbole. I’ve sat through good times and bad times; seen quarterbacks from Elway to Wilson and everything in between.

I remember Rich Karlis hitting uprights and Dan Reeves using two starting quarterbacks in the same game one time against Dallas. Even learned how to do something called “Tebowing” at one point.

But what I’m feeling right now in what has become our seventh season of bad football and NFL irrelevancy is a 5-alarm, full blown test of my faith: Apathy.

Anyone who knows me is also aware that I normally reserve eye-rolls and indifference for such things as Kardashian nuptials, Grammy & Oscar speeches, MTV ever since it stopped playing music, and… the Colorado Rockies.

But never the Denver Broncos. 

Yet not only did I find myself last Sunday fighting the urge to watch Spain and Germany kick a soccer ball around, but I lamented the fact that the Broncos-Panthers game wasn’t ending fast enough. I wanted out.

And when I woke up Monday morning having skipped my usual ritual of watching Sunday Night Football and gathering my thoughts around the league’s action for this week’s blog, I realized just how apathetic the Broncos have made me.

They are so bad (and somehow still getting worse) that not only is it no longer any fun to discuss, but I flat out find it hard to care anymore. For this season. For football in general. For these picks and this blog, even. 

They are so much more of a mess than just this 3-8 debacle of a season; it’s the absence of draft picks to get out of said mess, it’s the half a billion in quarterback cash tied up in Russell Wilson, and —scariest of all— it’s the losing culture that now infiltrates the halls of Dove Valley where proud men like Pat Bowlen once walked and commanded nothing less than the exact opposite of losing.

In fact, sadly, the Broncos organization has officially reached Colorado Rockies levels of self-reflection this season by deciding to try and change absolutely nothing. Week after week after week.

Sigh.

Apathy.

Like Tom Hanks in Castaway, I’m pushing off and setting adrift. All hope and other feelings are beyond fleeting; they are gone.

This week’s blog will contain dialogue around just one game.

Good bye, Wilson.

Denver at Baltimore (-8.5)

This Bronco offense couldn’t score in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons and keys to the conjugal room.

I have a million things to rant about, from George Paton’s mortgaging of our future to Nathaniel Hackett’s pissing down the leg of our present— but I’ll spare everyone. Because I know all of us are in the same boat, paddling with the same blank stares on our faces.

So… For comedic reasons only, I’ll pander to the quarterback play today.

With Russell Wilson’s most recent display of passing ineptitude to springboard off of, last Sunday I found myself pondering just how bad this is. 

And I came up with:

Other Denver Bronco quarterbacking options I would kill for at this point:

• Tim Tebow again.
• Another Covid outbreak in the quarterbacks room so wide receiver Kendal Hinton can play QB on 24 hr notice.
• Tommy Maddox and Shawn Moore platooning every-other-play like they did that one time in 1990.
• Joe Theisman. After the Lawrence Taylor hit.
• Frank Tripucka.
• Ryan Leaf.
• Uncle Rico.
• This guy:

Even this guy, if that big ol’ Dr. Pepper can could catch,
is chucking the ball six yards downfield.
That triples the average Russell Wilson attempt!

In perhaps the most damning evidence of my discontent, last Sunday I even found myself daydreaming and drooling over Sam Darnold  —Sam Freaking Darnold!— as he stopped, dropped and rolled his way into the end zone for the most pathetic touchdown I think I’ve ever witnessed. 

Yep. Even Sam Darnold knows what to do in a fire.

Sam the Man saw the dumpster fire that is
the Denver Broncos and went into Fire Marshal Bill mode.

Stop, drop, and roll!

The next time I even suggest Denver has a chance in a game this season, please form a line and invite the masses to kick me in the nuts.

Baltimore only needs to score twice this day to win. Hell, maybe even once will do. I don’t know what else to say. 

I don’t care.

Ravens 27  Broncos 9

There you have it. If I don’t rebound spiritually in time to post another blog this season, you can blame the 2022 Denver Broncos. They’ve drained all the blood from this tulip.

I do appreciate your readership and have enjoyed the many weekly interactions with everyone. It’s fun. Well, it used to be. 

Be well, my fiends!

Season Total Straight Up Winners: 112-67-1

Season Total Against the Spread:  99-81

Lock of the Week Picks: 8-4

Trap Game of the Week:  4-8

Oh! One last parting thought of despair. Caution: read at your own risk!

Over the last 6 seasons the Broncos have had a better 
winning percentage than the Colorado Rockies exactly
ZERO TIMES.

Please, God, nobody tell the Monforts. They might misconstrue such a stat to mean they are doing just fine. Lol

How to See Some Scoring: The Bird’s Week 12 NFL Picks

We went 11-3 picking the straight up winners last week; and had it not been for a game winning punt return with :05 seconds left, the phony-baloney Giants, and the crappy ass Packers, it very well could have been 14-0. 

Against the Spread, Bird Droppings Inc. went 9-5 and is now comfortably +20 games in the “making money” side of the ledger. 

Not to mention, the Thanksgiving Day Bird Droppings yielded a great start to Week 12.

Hey, speaking of giving thanks: Thankfully for Denver Bronco fans the World Cup is here. So we can all turn to the fast-paced game of soccer to finally see some scoring! Ba-dum-tsss!

Let’s bury a header or two into the back of the net, shall we?

Bird’s Eye View 

Denver (-1) at Carolina

Watching the Broncos this season has officially reached Frustration Level: Buying Taylor Swift Tickets.

Yep. We’re way past that limit.

I have no idea how any team not named the CU Buffs can be an underdog to this Broncos squad. I can only deduce that it has something to do with Sam Darnold being involved, so I guess I’ll lean towards the Donkeys like the idiot I am.

Broncos 15  Panthers 10

Atlanta at Washington (-3.5)

I think I’ve figured it out: Taylor Heinekie is a Civil War general’s beard away from being Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Coaches love him. Teammates love him. And despite falling somewhere between Gus Frerotte and Vinny Testeverde on the “Serviceable Quarterbacks” scale, he somehow wins in a way that you wonder if the regular starter could have done the same.

Washington keeps its mojo going against undermanned Atlanta.

Commanders 25  Falcons 17

Houston at Miami (-14)

Miami has punted 2 times in the last three weeks. Houston will match that in their first two possessions. Miami is coming off a two week break. Houston has taken all 11 weeks off thus far. I could go on and on….

Dolphins 31  Texans 10

Cincinnati at Tennessee (+1)

Toughest game of the weekend for this prognosticator. I don’t fully believe in Cincinnati and have been very vocal in my belief that last year’s AFC Champs won’t even make the playoffs this year. 

I have to think this is a roadblock game for the ugly helmets.

Titans 28  Bengals 24

Chicago (+7) at New York Jets

New quarterback for Gang Green, and rumor has it the Jets told Zach Wilson to not even suit up today. Wow. Coaches and teammates alike must really hate this guy.

That being said it is almost impossible to handicap this game. 

Mike White vs. Trevor Siemian -and/or- Nathan Peterman? Barf.

Bears 10  Jets 13

Tampa Bay (-3) at Cleveland

I haven’t looked up Tom Brady’s career record against the Browns, but given the results of the last few weeks I do know he is now 4-0 all time in international games and 0-1 with international women.

Since Cleveland is not an international woman, but does resemble downtown Beirut, I’ll take TB12 for the win here.

Buccaneers 19  Browns 14

LA Chargers (-2.5) at Arizona

Both of these teams are as shaky as Michael J. Fox on a roller coaster. But the Bolts are better.

Chargers 27  Cardinals 21

Las Vegas at Seattle (-4)

Even though they are 3-7, it remains very real that the Raiders are still 1-7 against teams not named the Broncos.

Seattle wins coming off an extra week of rest and prep. David Carr goes back to crying on tv afterwards.

Seahawks 27  Raiders 20 

LA Rams  at Kansas City (-15.5)

The Rams are folding faster than Superman on laundry day and now enter this game without Matt Stafford, without Cooper Kupp, and without the guy who’s been daylighting as their starting running back the past several weeks.

Meanwhile the Chiefs are completely stocked and need merely :15 seconds anytime they feel like scoring on you.

Even though I’m learning the hard way that games that look like sure blowouts this season are routinely becoming late covers for unsuspecting underdogs, I simply don’t know where LA is going to get their points from today.

I think Kansas City rolls here. And when I say “rolls here” I mean like Harlem Globetrotters vs. Washington Generals rolling. 

The Rams are about to get de-pants’d and globetrotted.

Chiefs 34  Rams 9

Green Bay at Philadelphia (-6)

If only they were smart, Green Bay would kick off their future with a canny little marketing campaign focused on the debut of Jordan “City of Brotherly” Love.

Instead, they keep rolling with #12.

Philly has looked beatable these past two weeks but with Dallas hot on their heels, I’ll take the birds to win and cover.

Eagles 30  Packers 20

Pittsburgh at Indianapolis (-2.5)

Time to pull out the “Don’t bet on crappy teams” gambit.

If they were getting more than two and a half points, I’d be tempted to bet Pittsburgh here as TJ Watt & Co. should be able to tee off on that statue otherwise known as Matt Ryan.

Matt Ryan gets on his horse in an attempted scramble.

But so long as they only need to eek out a FG win to cover,  I’ll take Indy at home as they seem to be slightly reinvigorated since the head coaching change.

Colts 22  Steelers 19

Fox in the Hen House

Baltimore (-3.5) at Jacksonville

A 7-3 team who has won four in a row, five of their last six, and is about to play their 3rd straight away game in either a dome or a warm weather city in the middle of shopping season; against a 3-7 team who has lost six in a row whenever the Raiders aren’t involved, and the former is only favored by two safeties?

It’s A Trap!

Probably got me hook, line, and sinker yet again… but I’m biting.

Ravens 23  Jaguars 17

Bet the Nest

New Orleans at San Francisco (-8)

San Fran not only looks like a formidable foe in the NFC, but they have done me right three times now when being at least 7 pt favorites.

The Saints, contrarily, haven’t come anywhere close to doing me right and have screwed me whenever I do take them with a side of points.

This is an easy pick for The Bird and I wouldn’t stop you if you followed me on it. Niners roll.

49’ers 28  Saints 16

These have been your Black Friday, World Cup Bird Droppings! Goaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll! 

Season Total Straight Up Winners: 101-62-1

Season Total Against the Spread:  92-72

Lock of the Week Picks: 7-4

Trap Game of the Week:  4-7

The Thanksgiving Day Picks

Hoping your table has a better aroma than this one,
and that whoever is doing the cooking can actually cook!
Happy Thanksgiving! ~Bird

Happy Thanksgiving, Bird lovers! (See what I did there?)

This week we count our blessings for things like friends & family, our health, and that Melvin Gordon doesn’t have to carry anything across a goal line for the Broncos anymore.

And it’s gratitude like this that helps us to see light and hope in otherwise dire situations.

For instance, while recent election results and current topics of social strife do indeed make excellent table talk at any gathering, always remember a well-timed "how ’bout them Lions?" can provide a much-needed blast of levity to tense conversations.

The Bird wishes everyone a blessed day filled with love, good tidings, and plenty of football. The rest of the picks will be posted Sunday, but for now…

Here are my Turkey Day picks!

Buffalo (-9.5) at Detroit 

Thanks to the Lake Erie weather gods, last Sunday Ford Field finally played home to a playoff-caliber football team for once. And this week, the fine people of Detroit get to watch them.

Bills 37  Lions 24

New York Giants at Dallas (-10)

The New York Giants are missing starters on defense, they have the NFL’s weakest receiving corps, and they just got blown out at home by the Lions. No one gets blown out at home by the Lions unless it’s the Lions. 

While Dallas has lost 3 Thanksgiving games in a row and are 1-10 ATS in the last 11 such games, they are also coming off an impressive shellacking of the NFC’s #2 team on the road. 

I feel like they are due to reverse some trends here. 

Cowboys 31  Giants 20

New England  at Minnesota (-2.5)

I’m not saying there is ever a good time to get your ass kicked 40-3 in a football game, but I do know it helps if you can suit up again four days later and put it immediately behind you.

Minnesota is thankful for the quick turn around and will put last week’s debacle in the rear view.

Vikings 27  Patriots 17

Gobble, gobble! Enjoy the games and check back Sunday for the rest of my Week 12 largesse!