The Dysfunctional Plight of the Colorado Rockies: An Opening Day Obloquy

 

Purple Kool-Aid.  Drink up.

Earlier this week, in an April 2nd interview with 94.1 FM in Denver, ROOT Sports announcer Jeff Huson (aka "Huey") was asked to give listeners and fans "... a few things to be optimistic about" in the wake of Colorado's laughable 0-2 start in Miami. 

I'm paraphrasing off of memory, but his answer went something like this:

"Well, I think we saw last night [Tues 4/1; a 4-3 loss] that the bullpen everyone is worried about showed some signs of promise... you know, with Ottovino coming in and having that strong inning..."

We'll pause there. To catch you up: Adam Ottovino pitched 1.0 inning and struck out two in a 4-3 loss on April 1st. I won't argue.  It was a strong showing as far as middle-relief guys you've never heard of are concerned.

But if you caught any of the opener (a 10-1 drubbing), or watched or listened to either of the next two games, then you realize already that this was just another placating, smoke-up-our-ass answer from someone who "works for" the Rockies. That bullpen? The "promising" one? Just racked up 12.1 innings, 18 hits and 11 earned runs while compiling a combined 66.15 ERA as the Rox took 1 of 4 from the dogbutt Marlins in front of a combined 4-day crowd of 217 people.  So it's no wonder Ottovino's one inning of brilliance in a 4-3 loss seems like something us fans should hang our hat on.

 

It gets better. After the bullpen dialogue, Huey continued:

"Cargo's finger.... I think there's reason to feel optimistic that those issues are behind them."

 

(At this point, it's okay to laugh out loud.)

It seems noteworthy to point out here that, as I type this, Carlos Gonzalez has left the game on night #3 and his return is... "questionable."  Ah.  Wait.  Some cute gal with a microphone just told us it was due to "dizziness." Without skipping a beat, Drew Goodman  just panned: "Well that's something to be relieved about." [translation: THANK GOD IT'S NOT THE FINGER!]

 

Anyway... Huson rambled on:

"Troy's play. Going deep in the hole, spinning off one leg and making an amazing throw to get that out at first [last night]. That was a good sign... that [Tulowitzki's] leg is no longer a concern."

 

Let's all shake our heads in unison.

There you have it. Reasons to be optimistic for Rockies Fans: The bullpen. The finger. Tulo's leg.

You've got to be shitting me. 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why the Rockies are a joke and why the fans are being disserviced by everyone involved; from the crew at 20th & Blake to the flagship folks at KOA to the tv boobs on ROOT Sports Network.

They are a family, that's for sure. And a big, fat, purple dysfunctional one at that. 

In the sixty seconds it took you to read this far, you have literally read of more concern and criticism towards the local nine than you will get from any of the Rockies media or beat reporters in this fair city.  There is never any criticism or accountability bestowed upon a ramshackle club that has yet to win a freaking division title in their 22 years of existence.  And it's because they are all family. And presumably because their left fielder hurt his pinky one year. 

Can you imagine the Broncos going 22 years between AFC West titles? Heads would roll or petitions would get signed. The radio airwaves and newspaper columns would sting with venomous tongues.  Even the Nuggets managed to end their division championship drought after an atrocious 1990's run of ineptness, of which they were justly ridiculed by these same media types for being so abysmal. But, twenty-two years?!  For a team that's been in existence for...let me count. Twenty-two years?!

It's funny how twenty-two years can feel like forever... when it has been.

Here's the deal.  Much like previous arguments I've made with the Nuggets and Avs, and their ultra-loving relationship with the always-doting "mothership" Altitude Sports Network, the Rockies too have been cast towards perpetual mediocrity ever since Channel 2 lost team coverage rights to the purple-colored shade-wearing boobs of ROOT Sports (formerly Fox Rocky Mountain).  Newsflash: The folks in charge of challenging every wrong move the organization makes; the people who owe it to the team and their fans to cover the bad just as fairly as the good; and the ones who owe it to their audience to poke and prod on the deficiencies of the product.... are in the family!

Nary a controversial word is ever said. A challenge to the standard never uttered.

 

It's like listening to a trust fund loser with all C's and D's be lauded at the family barbecue by an oblivious, rich father who's too drunk on Grey Goose spritzers to realize that we all see past the bullshit. Wake up, Thurston Howell III.  We all know your son is really an underachieving tool with nice clothes and the occasional hot girlfriend. But he's not a winner.

Gag me with a spoon.

It's one thing to listen to World Champion homers Bill Hanzlik, Scott Hastings and Kevin Marlowe drone on about how hard the crappy Nuggets are playing -every single night- even when it is clear to the rest of us that they are as crisp and motivated as a CU undergrad at a 4-20 rally.  But even Altitude's drippy sugarcoating is somewhat tolerable because, after all, the Nuggets up until this year had a 10-year playoff streak going.

Jeff Huson and the ROOT crew, though, are taking things to an all new level. Cargo's finger?!

I'm telling you.  This team will never feel the pressure to get better so long as the folks feeding us interviews and pushing free tacos as a measure of achievement are talking about Tulo's leg and Cargo's finger and Adam Ottovino's one awesome inning as things the fans should "feel good about" after an atrocious start to what already feels like another lonnnnng season.

Why aren't we talking about that: the unforgivable start to a season in which the owner just weeks ago ballyhooed would be a 90-win campaign?  Why aren't we talking about the awkwardness of skipper Walt Weiss telling a post game interviewer of his team's three runs in that Game 2 loss as: "I liked our offensive approach."  Really?  You come out of the gates being outscored 14-4 in your first 18 innings and you like the approach?  (Again. It's okay to laugh out loud here.)  "Hey, Huey. What did you see that gives the fans something to be optimistic about?"

Embarrassing. 

 

I watched the first three games of the season and lucked out that the fourth one was not televised. You know what I feel good about? That I got my taxes done and that the NHL Playoffs are around the corner.  I also made it through the week with my spouse out of town and neither of my younglings died or went missing.  I'm proud of that too.  I've got lots of things to be optimistic about but the Rockies aren't one of them.

 

Rockies prepare for life after Todd
by purchasing a stud. Doing it wrong.

When has anyone asked someone in purple to explain why we don't have a 1st baseman? They had seventeen years to prepare for life after Todd Helton.  And if you want to split hairs they had three very obvious years at the end, when Helton was as mobile as a drunken Bernie Kosar, to really ponder what to do with their status at 1st.  Instead, I can't even really say that they've acknowledged the situation (and it's embarrassing), other than the times they signed 58 year old Jason Giambi and a crippled -and nearly as old- Justin Morneau.  Hell...they were more organized in giving the Toddster a horse as a parting gift.

 

Why has it taken a generation to find a catcher?  Jayhawk Owens, Kurt Manwaring, Henry Blanco, Jorge Brito, Jeff Reed, Brent Mayne, Sandy Alomar Jr., Charles Johnson, Danny Ardoin, Chris Ianetta, Wilin Rosario. This is actually a trick question because I already know the answer: It takes a generation to find a catcher when you actually have one worth keeping (Yorvit Torrealba) but you screw him over for 4+ years because deep down inside you want the great white hope Chris Ianetta to step up and be the anchor in your battery.  I just want someone to ask Rockies Central the question. That's all.  So we can instill some accountability.

 

Will they ever move Troy Tulowitzki to 3rd base, a'la Alex Rodriguez, as a way to find some method of keeping a balls-to-the-wall kid healthier for a full season run?  Tulo flies around at shortstop with equal parts grace and reckless abandon, and don't get me wrong, it's fun to watch.  But shortstop is also baseball's version of fullback, and at his pace with his gumption, bless his heart he only lasts about 80 games a year.  Has anyone asked the Rockies if they've considered this?  While we're on the subject, and I don't mean to cause heart attacks at Rockies Headquarters by asking a really tough question, but has anyone pondered trading Tulo while he would still fetch King's ransom... ?

 

Just thoughts.  I guess you can't ask the really tough questions when the dude signing your paycheck is the one who's face you're shoving the microphone in. But this isn't how it should be.  And until it changes, the fine folks running the bait-n'-hook show over at 40th and Blake will never feel obligated to change anything.

The fans deserve more. These guys deserve more:

Just heard that Wilin Rosario is the new
"Catcher of the Future."   Makes sense. They're all in.

I don't know.  Look.  In the end I'm a fan, and no one roots harder for the Rockies to succeed than I do.  Maybe I don't frolic around Coors Field in a Dinger costume, but I love a good Rocktober just as much as the next guy.  So while this rant probably feels a bit offensive to the average loyalist or to the actual dude wearing the Dinger costume each night, am I not right to feel like the organizational model is what's broken here?  Or worse, that as a well-intentioned fan it feels downright hopeless that anyone out there is poking on the right hot topics to one day make things better?

 

Through three televised games thus far in 2014, only one thing's for certain: this year's new addition to the ROOT broadcast family, former player and fan favorite Ryan Spilborghs, fits right in to the equation.

 

The status quo sucks.

 

Hey, Spilly.  Tell 'em how we get tacos.