Down to the Last Drop(pings): The Bird’s Week 13 Pick

Anyone who knows me is aware that for the better part of four decades I have treated Denver Broncos football as a religion.

I’ve never missed a game, and that is not hyperbole. I’ve sat through good times and bad times; seen quarterbacks from Elway to Wilson and everything in between.

I remember Rich Karlis hitting uprights and Dan Reeves using two starting quarterbacks in the same game one time against Dallas. Even learned how to do something called “Tebowing” at one point.

But what I’m feeling right now in what has become our seventh season of bad football and NFL irrelevancy is a 5-alarm, full blown test of my faith: Apathy.

Anyone who knows me is also aware that I normally reserve eye-rolls and indifference for such things as Kardashian nuptials, Grammy & Oscar speeches, MTV ever since it stopped playing music, and… the Colorado Rockies.

But never the Denver Broncos. 

Yet not only did I find myself last Sunday fighting the urge to watch Spain and Germany kick a soccer ball around, but I lamented the fact that the Broncos-Panthers game wasn’t ending fast enough. I wanted out.

And when I woke up Monday morning having skipped my usual ritual of watching Sunday Night Football and gathering my thoughts around the league’s action for this week’s blog, I realized just how apathetic the Broncos have made me.

They are so bad (and somehow still getting worse) that not only is it no longer any fun to discuss, but I flat out find it hard to care anymore. For this season. For football in general. For these picks and this blog, even. 

They are so much more of a mess than just this 3-8 debacle of a season; it’s the absence of draft picks to get out of said mess, it’s the half a billion in quarterback cash tied up in Russell Wilson, and —scariest of all— it’s the losing culture that now infiltrates the halls of Dove Valley where proud men like Pat Bowlen once walked and commanded nothing less than the exact opposite of losing.

In fact, sadly, the Broncos organization has officially reached Colorado Rockies levels of self-reflection this season by deciding to try and change absolutely nothing. Week after week after week.

Sigh.

Apathy.

Like Tom Hanks in Castaway, I’m pushing off and setting adrift. All hope and other feelings are beyond fleeting; they are gone.

This week’s blog will contain dialogue around just one game.

Good bye, Wilson.

Denver at Baltimore (-8.5)

This Bronco offense couldn’t score in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons and keys to the conjugal room.

I have a million things to rant about, from George Paton’s mortgaging of our future to Nathaniel Hackett’s pissing down the leg of our present— but I’ll spare everyone. Because I know all of us are in the same boat, paddling with the same blank stares on our faces.

So… For comedic reasons only, I’ll pander to the quarterback play today.

With Russell Wilson’s most recent display of passing ineptitude to springboard off of, last Sunday I found myself pondering just how bad this is. 

And I came up with:

Other Denver Bronco quarterbacking options I would kill for at this point:

• Tim Tebow again.
• Another Covid outbreak in the quarterbacks room so wide receiver Kendal Hinton can play QB on 24 hr notice.
• Tommy Maddox and Shawn Moore platooning every-other-play like they did that one time in 1990.
• Joe Theisman. After the Lawrence Taylor hit.
• Frank Tripucka.
• Ryan Leaf.
• Uncle Rico.
• This guy:

Even this guy, if that big ol’ Dr. Pepper can could catch,
is chucking the ball six yards downfield.
That triples the average Russell Wilson attempt!

In perhaps the most damning evidence of my discontent, last Sunday I even found myself daydreaming and drooling over Sam Darnold  —Sam Freaking Darnold!— as he stopped, dropped and rolled his way into the end zone for the most pathetic touchdown I think I’ve ever witnessed. 

Yep. Even Sam Darnold knows what to do in a fire.

Sam the Man saw the dumpster fire that is
the Denver Broncos and went into Fire Marshal Bill mode.

Stop, drop, and roll!

The next time I even suggest Denver has a chance in a game this season, please form a line and invite the masses to kick me in the nuts.

Baltimore only needs to score twice this day to win. Hell, maybe even once will do. I don’t know what else to say. 

I don’t care.

Ravens 27  Broncos 9

There you have it. If I don’t rebound spiritually in time to post another blog this season, you can blame the 2022 Denver Broncos. They’ve drained all the blood from this tulip.

I do appreciate your readership and have enjoyed the many weekly interactions with everyone. It’s fun. Well, it used to be. 

Be well, my fiends!

Season Total Straight Up Winners: 112-67-1

Season Total Against the Spread:  99-81

Lock of the Week Picks: 8-4

Trap Game of the Week:  4-8

Oh! One last parting thought of despair. Caution: read at your own risk!

Over the last 6 seasons the Broncos have had a better 
winning percentage than the Colorado Rockies exactly
ZERO TIMES.

Please, God, nobody tell the Monforts. They might misconstrue such a stat to mean they are doing just fine. Lol

Playoff Practice Run: The Bird’s Week 15 NFL Picks

Don't let the Saturday games or the fact that the Jags and Texans are still playing fool you; the playoffs are here. 

Broncos-Bengals. Eagles-Skins. Titans-Steelers. Rams-Seahawks. Raiders-Browns. With so many teams who desperately need a win and who cannot afford any more losses, all playing against each other (!) this weekend, all we can do is strap ourselves in, tolerate Chris Collinsworth, and feel the G’s.

THIS. Is the unofficial start to the NFL postseason.

Gonna be an exciting Week 15!

 

Kansas City (-3) at Los Angeles Chargers

This game might see more scoring than Pamela Anderson’s old waterbed. The Bolts put up 30 the last time these two squared off, and given the growth of Justin Herbert in the twelve weeks since, it’s quite possible they hang 30 on the scoreboard again.  

Which means...  they'll only lose by 10 or so.

 

I like the Chefs.

Chiefs 41 Chargers 31

Las Vegas (-1) at Cleveland

The Raiders have been fizzling out like a two dollar bottle rocket, which normally would’ve made this the easiest pick of the week. But now we’re learning the Browns have the third most Covid cases of any county in Ohio, so this game all of a sudden got real scary, real fast.

What do I mean by “real fast?” Well, since the announcement Wednesday morning that Kevin Stefanski and Baker Mayfield were joining 17 other Browns on the “you’re a disgraceful threat to society” list, Cleveland fell from 7 point favorites to 1 point underdogs quicker than you can spell “CDC.”

The Covidland Browns will sport new
face masks for this Saturday’s game.

Throw in Kareem Hunt’s bad ankle, plus the lovely Lake Erie weather forecasted for Saturday, and all of a sudden we have a game that is very difficult to handicap between two teams that even Pfizer couldn’t save.

I’m actually starting to consider that, since the Raiders have been disgraceful threats to society long before Covid was even a thing, they might be better suited for this than poor old Cleveland.

Raiders 16  Browns 9

New England (+2.5) at Indianapolis

My immediate thought when I saw this game: how in the name of deflated footballs is the hottest team in the entire league an underdog here?

The Pats are to playoff runs as a shark is to blood, and now Bill Belichick is allowed to play on the motivation of being underdogs to a team he has won his last 9 games against?

Make it 10. New England gets another annoying victory. 

Patriots 23  Colts 20

Carolina at Buffalo (10.5)

Back on Halloween the Bills were 5-2 and not only in the thick of things atop the AFC, but looking unanimously like the conference favorite. Then that 9-6 loss to Jacksonville happened and they haven’t been the same since. 

Meanwhile Carolina might be the hottest mess of all the teams who didn’t fire a coach this week.

Buffalo gets a much needed cake walk.

Bills 26  Panthers 7

Houston at Jacksonville (-3)

Did someone say, “hot mess?” 

Anyone who saw last Sunday’s postgame handshake between Urban Meyer and Mike Vrabel could’ve seen this coming from a mile away. This guy has been cashed out ever since that Ohio State co-ed got away.

Click Link to See: Apathy at its finest.

The question surrounding this game now becomes: does Jacksonville play with added motivation? Disinterest? Relief? Does it matter?

If we’ve seen anything this season, it’s that teams playing for interim and Covid-fill-in head coaches tend to play inspired ball. Sprinkle in what I can only assume is a collective sigh of relief from the Jacksonville locker room and I think the Jags win and win happily. 

Jaguars 24  Texans 17

Tennessee (-1) at Pittsburgh

Let’s see. Pittsburgh is coming off of two emotional drainers: the win over Baltimore on the game’s last play (a failed 2-pt conv.) two weeks ago, and that 29-0 comeback that came up short in Minnesota last week. Gut check games for sure.

Tennessee meanwhile is coming off the first ever “two bye weeks in a row” scenario the league has ever issued, with the formal bye in Week 13 and then last week’s rest day against the Jaguars.

Tennessee puts the Steelers’ season on ice.

Titans 26  Steelers 24

Arizona (-12) at Detroit 

At first look I thought to myself, "This is too many points."  Then I remembered it was Detroit. Arizona is looking for redemption, and I just witnessed first hand 4 days ago the enchantment that comes with playing against the team from the land that Lee Iacocca built.

If an offense like Denver’s can lay the wood to the Pontiac Pussycats, then surely Arizona can. Cardinals win and cover.

This guy tried to tell me last week that he's happy with
how the season is going. But I knew he was Lion.

Cardinals 31  Lions 17

New York Jets at Miami (-9)

Last week I picked the Jets as underdogs on the conclusion that it’s usually safe to take the points when betting on a game between the lost and the blind. Boy, that sure bit me in the ass.

Since the Dolphins are well rested and playing better than the Saints, and since the Jets couldn’t hang within 20 of the Fleur de Li’s, I suspect the ’Fins can win by at least 9 here. 

Dolphins 26  Jets 16

Dallas (-10.5) at New York Giants

The Cowboys should exit this weekend with a three game lead in the NFC East with three games to go. I said “should.” While the Dallas D is experiencing a renaissance of sorts, their offense is still dealing with the plague.

Since we’re all learning to excel in life with the plague amongst us these days anyway, I’ll go ahead and pick Dallas here. New York's quarterback situation and the fact that the previous meeting was a 24 point blowout for the 'Boys, both support a hefty Dallas win.

Cowboys 30  Giants 17

Washington at Philadelphia (-6)

Well damn. It appears Washington did nothing more than slap a little makeup on a carcass in winning those 4 games in a row before last Sunday’s come-to-Jesus meeting with Micah Parsons and the Dallas Cowboys.

Two things I like about Philly here: 

1- They are coming off a bye;

2- With 2 of their next 3 games against the Giants and these very Football Teamers (twice) before a week 18 matchup with a Dallas team that very likely might be resting starters, the Playoffs are not only within reach, but starting to look extremely favorable for men who wear green tights and flaunt wings on their helmets. 

I'll pick the Eagles here. 

 

Eagles 24  Washington 17

Cincinnati (+2.5) at Denver 

Cincinnati has had moments this year where they have looked like the best team in the league, as well as equal moments where they have looked like the worst team. I cannot figure them out. What I have figured out, however, is to not bet on the Broncos to have two fantastic showings in a row.

 

I'll take the Bengals to cover, if not steal the outright win in what is essentially an AFC Wild Card game. One would hope Denver's home field, running game, and defense make the difference here, but it would be just like the Orange & Blue to give up copious amounts of points and yards while trying to pretend they are a passing offense; all in front of 11,000 no-shows.

 

This will be a close battle. And yes, I'm torn between picking my donkeys and playing my reverse jinx card with the Bungles. So I’ll do both. Cincy covers. Denver.... shouldddddd win.

Broncos 23  Bengals 21

Atlanta at San Francisco (-9)

San Francisco has won 4 of their last 5 and finds themselves right in the thick of the NFC Wildcard race. Atlanta’s only 2 wins in the last 6 weeks have been against the Panthers and Jaguars. San Fran, minus the points. 

49’ers 34  Falcons 24

Seattle at Los Angeles Rams (-4.5)

Los Angeles got things back on track last week. I would say the same for Seattle except I’m not sure wins against the Houston Texans count for much. I’ll pick the Rams to win by at least 5 pts.

Rams 31  Seahawks 21

Green Bay (-5) at Baltimore 

I know it's not fair to blurt such predictions in mid-December, but Green Bay is my pick in the NFC. Baltimore, whether with Tyler Huntley or Lamar Jackson, continues it's free fall…

Packers 30  Ravens 20

New Orleans at Tampa Bay (-11)

Tampa Bay is 6-0 at home and has scored 30+ points in each of those six wins. The Saints have scored at least 30 points just three times all season, although one of those times was in October against these very Bucs. That was the day Jameis Winston got hurt and the Saints miraculously survived. Their season has sucked ever since. 

Tampa will get their revenge here.

Buccaneers 30  Saints 17

Minnesota (-3.5) at Chicago

I don't care if it is at home and against Minnesota. Never bet on losers of 7 of their last 8 games in mid-December. Ever. Especially when their opponent is scratching and clawing for their playoff lives and will be in must-win mode.

Another Bears season in the shitter.

Vikings 27  Bears 23

’Tis the season for Bird Droppings. For one last dose of humor as we all say goodbye to Urban Meyer, click here:

Urban Meyer’s Jacksonville Story in a Nutshell

Last Week Straight Up Winners: 9-5

Current Season Total Straight Up Winners: 127-81

Last Week Against the Spread: 7-7

Current Season Total Against Spread:  106-100-2