Now that’s how Stella gets her groove back! After my worst week of the season in Week 12 I turned around and logged my best week of the season in Week 13. Against the spread we are back in the black after coming dangerously close to going into the red, and all is right again at the Bird’s nest.
Christmas is still on!
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| We backkkk! |
We’re not even gonna waste anymore time talking about it. Instead, on to Week 14!
Pittsburgh at Minnesota (-3)
Minnesota is dangerously close to falling out of contention by finding ways lose games they simply should have won. Pittsburgh is dangerously close to being in contention by simply finding ways to win games they should have lost.
Throw on top of that the fact that neither of these teams could beat the damn Lions, and we can only hope the world doesn’t implode tonight.
I’ll take the home team for no other reason than Minnesota should be embarrassed and pissed off, while Pittsburgh is on a short week having played late into the night last Sunday.
Vikings 28 Steelers 24
Dallas at Washington (+4.5)
Washington is a .500 team that looks like they could beat just about anyone if the wind is blowing right. Winners of four straight, no one really wants to play them right now and the Football Team is starting to look like one that is built for a playoff push.
Dallas, meanwhile, is 8-4 and I get the feeling just about anyone could beat them and no one minds playing them.
My brain hurts just trying to analyze such a paradox.
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| Hmm. 6-6 team playing better than the 8-4 team. |
Considering that each of Washington’s last two games have gone under and been decided by less than a field goal, you have what they call in the betting world, a “trend.” I’ll take the WFT here to not only keep that trend, but pull the upset.
Washington 21 Cowboys 20
Baltimore at Cleveland (-2.5)
Even though the Browns' winning percentage resembles that of a Kardashian nuptial, they are still in a heated race for a playoff spot, perhaps even a divisional title. Unlike young socialite love, this has to count for something.
Baltimore, meanwhile, doesn’t look right on offense lately and they are playing back-to-back divisional road games. Never easy. Also, since nobody’s dad called out Baker Mayfield on Twitter this week, Cleveland’s QB will probably play footloose and fancy free. I'll take the plain helmets coming off a bye and giving 2.5 points.
Browns 24 Ravens 21
Las Vegas at Kansas City (-9.5)
Sadly for any AFC West fans not living in Kansas and Missouri, the Chiefs too have joined Stella and The Bird in getting their groove back.
There’s not much else to say or ponder here, and since the last meeting was a red and white, 41-14 beat down less than a month ago, I feel confident K.C. can cover the 9 1/2.
Chiefs 34 Raiders 22
Seattle (-7.5) at Houston
Welp. If anything, Seattle showed last week that they aren’t about to rollover and give up on a season already lost by Pacific Northwesterners’ standards.
Houston meanwhile has been rolling over and giving up since last February’s DeAndre Hopkins and JJ Watt fire sale.
Seahawks 20 Texans 9
Jacksonville at Tennessee (-8.5)
You know, folks who saved money by switching to Geico are happy.
- How happy are they, Jimmy?
Happier than slumping Tennessee when they saw Jacksonville was on tap this week.
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| The Titans. Happier than a puppy with two peters to be playing Jax this week. |
Tennessee gets back on track.
Titans 30 Jaguars 14
New Orleans at New York Jets (+5.5)
The return of Taysom Hill robs us all of the highly anticipated Trevor Siemian vs. Zach Wilson spectacular that we all thought we saw coming a few weeks ago. Cruel, cruel world.
Since they have the better defense, I suspect New Orleans should win this game. But in any matchup involving two woebegone teams like this, it’s best to just take the points if betting.
Saints 19 Jets 14
Atlanta at Carolina (-3)
According to the surgeon general, watching this game could be hazardous to your health as both teams have lost 3 of 4 and have looked downright awful in doing so.
And as much as I want to take Atlanta getting points, that same little voice in my head that tells me to not light up lung darts or blow rails of white stuff off glass coffee tables is telling me not to.
Panthers 21 Falcons 17
Detroit (+10) at Denver
Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh;
Over the fields they go, Shurmur’ing all the way….
For one 11-minute stretch last Sunday night, the Broncos actually looked to be doing something brilliant. They did EXACTLY what teams dream of doing against a potent offense like the Chiefs’. They engineered a 95 yard drive that ate up a whopping 10 min 50 seconds of the clock and basically kept Patrick Mahomes on the sideline… for the entire damn second quarter! That’s how you do it! In fact it might’ve been the first time since we ran that Omaha play every other down, where I found myself smiling impressively at something Denver was doing. Hell, they even converted a 4th & 7 along the way. This is how you enforce your will on a game in which you can’t afford to let the other team do so first. Glorious!
Then Pat Shurmer… Shurmured it up as only his Shurmur ass can do, and it fizzled gloriously at the 2 yard line with an outcome of exactly 0 points. Zero points?? Who scripts and executes a drive like that and walks away with nothing? As impressive as that drive was; as unheard of as it was; and as momentum-defining, grab-tempo-by-the-neck-and-take-complete-control-of-this-game of a moment it should’ve been… Kansas City came off the field having won that 2nd quarter battle. Denver Shurmured themselves even when, for the first time this season, they were doing their best not to.
Sigh.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, now they have to play one of the hottest teams in the league. The Detroit Lions. Lol
I’m joking. I think.
I’ll pick Detroit to keep it within a confusingly inflated spread. 8 points seems like a lot here, and so long as the Shurmster is calling the shots for Denver’s offense, I’ll take the team coming off of a win to cover. And I’ll feel good about it.
Broncos 27 Lions 20
New York Giants at Los Angeles Chargers (-10)
Now Mike Glennon is hurt? Gimme some Chargers here as New York is rumored to be coaxing Phil Simms out of retirement to play quarterback this Sunday. If they don’t succeed it’ll be the dreaded, rookie QB making his first start on the road scenario, as Jake Fromm tries his hand at steering this NYG ship away from a huge iceberg.
Chargers 31 Giants 14
San Francisco at Cincinnati (+2)
Both of these teams seemed to be rolling along… Then last Sunday happened. I know, because had each of these idiots not laid a massive egg last Sunday, The Bird might have gone 10-2 ATS in Week 13. Damn them both to hell.
I’ll take Cincinnati, but for no reason other than they are at home and I like their helmets better.
Bengals 26 49’ers 23
Buffalo (+3.5) at Tampa Bay
I keep thinking to myself that the Buffalo Bills from Week 2 through Week 6 are gonna show back up and give us all hope that someone can stick it to the Kansas City’s and New England’s of the world next month when the playoffs start.
It’s soooo hard to not bet Tampa here, and I wouldn’t advise doing what I’m about to do, but since the weather will be the exact opposite of what it was in Buffalo last Monday night, I think Josh Allen and team can get their groove back. Tampa’s defense can be exposed.
Bills 34 Bucs 31
Chicago at Green Bay (-12.5)
Bad news: The Bears are a wreck.
Good news: Christmas music just got a whole lot better because of it.
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| God rest ye merry Bears fan, let nothing you dismay… |
Yule tides and silver bells aside, the Packers are 10-2 against the spread this season. 10-2! This makes them the NFL’s only team with double digit wins in covering the Vegas line. When you factor in that Week 1 ass-whooping’ they suffered at the hands of New Orleans, this becomes even more impressive. And when you factor in this week’s opponent, it’s damn near automatic.
Green Bay decks their halls with bears of folly. Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Packers 34 Bears 17
Los Angeles Rams at Arizona (-2)
As much as I am a true believer that it’s hard to beat the same team twice in the same season, Arizona is just simply the better team here.
The Rams got some of their mojo back last weekend after that L3 skid, but it was against Jacksonville so how can we count that? Last time these two played it was an Arizona blowout, in LA. It will be closer this time, but take the Redbirds minus the points.
Cardinals 31 Rams 24
Don we now our gay apparel, Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La. La. La.
You’ve been Bird Dropped.
Last Week Straight Up Winners: 9-5
Current Season Total Straight Up Winners: 118-76
Last Week Against the Spread: 10-4
Current Season Total Against the Spread: 99-93-2
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