Prayer Candles, Up! The Bird’s Week 9 Picks

Before we get started, prayers up for an NFL Legend on this day. Father (hang) Time finally caught up to the only punter ever drafted in the 1st Round, and the only full-time one to be enshrined in the Hall of Fame. I remember him vividly from the days of my youth while attending Raider-hating summer camps my parents put me through. 

Rest In Peace, Ray Guy. I don’t say this about many Raiders, but you sir were one of my faves.

The best ever.

Now then, the Week 9 Bird Droppings. But first, a look back on Week 8:

In the shadows of Wembley Stadium, the Broncos avoided relegation last weekend, leaving such demotions for those losers from Norwich City. And Matt Ryan.

Thank God I lit that prayer candle.

It's working!

So while I’m still thinking I’d rather watch the World Cup at this point, our heroes in Orange get a much-needed win and are no worse off than such preseason hopefuls as the Packers, Bucs or the defending champ Rams.

If only we were in the NFC South, we’d be talking about a division title.

Speaking of the NFC South…

And now, a 60-second spout-off of all the stupid things that we witnessed in Week 8. *deep inhale*… The Falcons and Panthers managed the last few minutes of regulation and OT like a couple of bumbling idiots that literally almost resulted in a 4-way tie for first place in the South, where 3-5 records rule the day… Justin Fields is the latest bonehead player to not understand that an opposing player with the ball must be touched in order to be down… and kudos to Micah Parsons on the same play for getting up and running for a touchdown; because there are an equal amount of morons in pads who would have fallen on that fumble and laid there planning their sideline celebration, having never dawned on them that they weren’t down… Taunting in the NFL (eye rolls, please). In a sport where grown men hit, tackle, and crush each other while inflicting physical pain, it’s 15 yards and a potential ejection for hurting someone’s feelings… Speaking of hurt feelings: I see you, Raiders… Did anyone else see the ref in Seattle call a penalty on the “Seattle Mariners?” I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore, but I’m pretty sure Lou Piniella was ready to argue it… And finally, in a league where “young QBs” are making Tim Tebow look like Joe Montana at an alarming rate (Zach Wilson, Mac Jones, Davis Mills, Kenny Pickett, Malik Willis, PJ Walker, Justin Fields, Trevor Lawrence, and Indianapolis’s very own Sam Ehlinger), Matt Ryan is seriously not even suited up on the sidelines as a backup option for the latter? We all know he got “benched” so Jim Irsay could get his jollies with his new Longhorn signal caller, but dude isn’t even in uniform now??

All of a sudden I hear The Pointer Sisters for some reason. 

Click this link to see: Fields Jumps Parsons

The Bird had a bounce-back weekend last week, and both the straight up picks and the picks against the spread are well in the black. Let’s keep it going…

(PS- several teams are on their bye this week, including the Broncos, who’s offense will be resting from that 21-pt outburst that surely drained them of all their powers.)

Let us make like Justin Fields and jump (for my love) into Week 9:

Bird’s Eye View 

Minnesota at Washington (+3.5)

Taylor Heinicke is one of the few “young QBs” I did not mention in my rant above, mainly because he is not playing like a twat. In fact, quite the opposite. T.H. appears to have a winning touch and his teammates are yet again believing in his every move. This kinda makes him like Jesus. Or Tim Tebow. 

All of that being said however, this is Kirk Cousins' "revenge game," and even though Minnesota feels paper tiger-ish to me, I always like a good retribution.

Minnesota wins but Washington covers.

Vikings 24  Commanders 21  

Carolina at Cincinnati (-7.5)

After laying a prime time egg by the lake last Monday night, I can’t fathom Cincy doing anything less than what the Oregon Ducks are going to do to my beloved CU Buffaloes this Saturday.

Bengals 34  Panthers 13

Buffalo (-12.5) at New York Jets

A wise man from the mean streets of North Alamosa once told me, "Son, don't ever bet on crappy teams to beat good ones." And because Zach Wilson's name was mentioned above, I don’t think New York stands a chance at covering the spread.

Bills 31  Jets 13

Indianapolis at New England (-4.5)

Bill Belichick surpassed George Halas last weekend and now sets his sights on Don Shula’s spot as the NFL’s all time winningest head coach.

In typical style, Bill was elated:

Danny DeVito and Bill Belichick reflect on Bill
becoming the 2nd winningest coach in NFL history.

I can’t get on board with the Indianapolis Colts right now, what with their bizarre handling of Matt Ryan and complete mis-use of Jonathan Taylor and all.

To think there’s a team with a more fu-k’d up quarterback room than New England’s, is reason enough to stay away from the horseshoes here.

Patriots 23  Colts 15

Las Vegas (-1.5) at Jacksonville

I feel like if judges could hand out punishment in the form of watching tv on Sundays, this would be it.

I mean, last Sunday the Raiders failed to cross midfield in New Orleans, while the Jaguars couldn’t keep up with that offensive juggernaut known as the Denver Broncos.

Criminy.

I'll begrudgingly take the Silver & Black here, mainly because they didn’t fly back from Greenwich Mean Time in the same week that we also set our clocks back. This has to matter somehow.

Raiders 29  Jaguars 20

Miami at Chicago (+4.5)

Chicago really does just seem to be poorly lead and basically pretty shitty. And to top it off now they’re dressing like Reece’s Pieces wrappers. For shame. That being said, the only thing uglier than all of that may be the weather in Chicago this weekend, and because of that I'll take the points.

Dolphins 23  Bears 22

Green Bay (-3.5) at Detroit

I don’t see Detroit winning, much less keeping it within a field goal against a desperate and embarrassed Packer team hanging on to their season by a thread. Come to think of it, I don't see Detroit winning, much less keeping it within a field goal... ever.

Packers 24  Lions 14

LA Chargers (-3) at Atlanta

Two weeks ago I would have jumped all over the three-game-winning-streak and suddenly surging Chargers here.

Then Seattle went into LA and laid the wood to the Bolts in an impressive showing that resembled that ambush Colonel Custer fell to at the Battle of Little Big Horn.

And now, to further complicate matters, Atlanta all of a sudden looks like a team of Andy Warhols who stumble serendipitously into wins you never saw coming. 

Sigh. 

This is another Rosie O’Donnell at a salad bar game. Avoid it. But since I have to pick, gimme the Chargers coming off an extra week to prepare I guess. 

Chargers 30  Falcons 24

LA Rams (+3.5) at Tampa Bay

All I know is whoever loses this game is gonna be sweating like Roger Ebert.

Someone’s gonna be on a big thumbs down by Sunday night.

I honestly don’t know which team pulls this one out in what has otherwise been disastrous seasons for both.

Cooper Kupp’s injury definitely plays a big role, and I suppose since they are the road team there is disadvantage for LA in having to fly across country and play in front of a loud and rowdy opposing crowd. Then again, the Rams are used to playing in front of loud and rowdy opposing crowds even when at home. So that's a wash.

Feels like a field goal game, therefore I’ll take the Rams plus the points. But I think Tampa Bay eeks out the win.

Buccaneers 24  Rams 21

Tennessee (+12.5) at Kansas City

Total trap game here for Tennessee as the Titans must be careful not to look ahead to next week’s huge game against Denver.

If Ryan Tannehill plays I might consider picking the visitors to entertain us with an upset. Then again, even if he does, he sucks. Derek Henry does not suck, however, and right now he is in full King Henry mode. It will be enough for Tennessee to keep it within the spread.

Chiefs 31  Titans 23

Baltimore (-2.5) at New Orleans

Too much inconsistency from the Saints this year. And since they looked downright dominant last week, surely they are due to look like imbeciles this week.  

Gimme Lamar Jackson coming off a mini bye week all day here.

Ravens 27  Saints 16

Bet the Nest

Philadelphia (-13.5) at Houston

Sure, that’s a lot of points.

But of all the teams this season who failed to successfully cover a huge number as favorites, it has been to opponents who have capable offenses lead by quarterbacks who can drive for backdoor points late in blowout games (see: Rodgers, Aaron last week in Buffalo).

Davis Mills is not Rodgers *comma* Aaron, and will not lead the Texans to a backdoor cover.

This one was over the minute the plane landed, and the fans in attendance will be watching the other Houston-Philly game anyway: Series tied, 2-2.

Eagles 37  Texans 13

Fox in the Hen House

Seattle at Arizona (-2)

By now everyone with an internet connection knows that the Geno Smith Seahawks are leading the NFL in inspiring wins, feel good stories, and Russell Wilson memes. Their Week 8 win over America’s other upstart darlings, the Giants, has even further solidified the Sea Chickens as pro football’s chic pick every Sunday. They score, they protect the football, and they force turnovers on D. Not to mention, they just beat the Cardinals two weeks ago.

So why aren't they favored?

Cardinals 26  Seahawks 21

And there you have them. The Week 9 Picks. With a 5.6 sec hang time, bird dropped into the coffin corner. RIP Ray.

Season Total Straight Up Winners: 75-47-1

Season Total Against the Spread:  70-53

Lock of the Week Picks: 5-3

Trap Game of the Week:  3-5