Ozark & Bad Blood: The Marty Byrde Droppings

CU Buffaloes: “We’re gonna go out there this weekend and be the most embarrassing example of football the state of Colorado has ever seen.”

Denver Broncos:

They did it. For the second season in a row, and likely the foreseeable future, the Denver Broncos broke me. Eight weeks faster than they did last year. 

There is no rant. There is no analysis. There are no picks.

Well. There is one rant. And it’s for Mike McDaniel and the Miami Dolphins:

Taking a knee at the end there, Mike? That’s crap! 

Sorry. 

Kick the FG, get 73, and set the damn record. 

If you’re the losing team in that situation, it isn’t rubbing it in when a record like that is on the line. Miami easily gets 73 without rubbing anything in. And Denver deserved it. In fact, fake the FG and get 80, I say.  

Ugh.  

So instead of being able to say I watched the game where the point record was set, I get to say I watched the game where the pussies from Miami could’ve set the record and chose not to. 

Ugh again. 

 

And now, as if the football Gods have my testicles in firm grip and want to yank them up thru my nostrils and into the heavens, I have to watch the fucking Chiefs with Fox showing Taylor Swift in the luxury box every other play. 

Fml. Now I Got Bad Blood. 

There. *deep breath and heavy sigh*

There you have it. The Denver Broncos sucked the NFL fun right out of me to such a level that I find myself disgusted with the Miami Dolphins for not adding to it or doing it better.

Second year in a row. Or is it the seventh?

Doesn’t matter, either way I finally have an appreciation for what it must be like to be a Lions or Clippers fan. 

Goodbye cruel world. Goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Kelce, all hunky-effing-dory in Chiefsville. Goodbye weekly picks.

I’m heading deep into the Ozark to launder my soul. It’s me, Hi. 

You’ve been Byrde Dropped. 

Saturday Didn’t Age Well: The Bird’s Week 3 NFL Picks… plus one more.

Welp. If you had the Under on which week The Bird lashes out on the sorry state of the Denver Broncos, you are sitting pretty my friend. Sitting very pretty.

That being said…  I am in far too good of a mood after going 4-0 against the spread last week to allow Vance Joseph’s look of a soft, 2-deep safety zone on 3rd & 2 to ruin my vibe. 

No siree. I’m putting 8 in the box and daring Week 3 to try me. Let’s go!

Chicago at Kansas City (-12.5)

This is a shit-ton of points to give, until you remember it’s the Bears you’re giving them to.  

One team’s quarterback is the most talented State Farm spokesperson ever, while the other is rocketing towards becoming the most talented State Farm employee ever.

Justin Fields this season when given
 a clean pocket and open receivers. 

He’ll be selling insurance in Joliet, IL if this keeps up. The Chiefs get an easy one at home. 

Chiefs 34  Bears 17

Denver at Miami (-6.5)

Russell Wilson has been made fun of aplenty in this space, but he’s actually been pretty damn good of late and in Week 2 kinda resembled ca. 2014 Seattle Russ. It’s maddening. I mean, he’s the 4th ranked QB in the league through two weeks, for Pete's sake (not Carroll). 

Russell Wilson is the 4th ranked QB thru Week 2.
Tua Tagovailoa is ranked 7th. 

Unfortunately though, Denver’s defense has a knack for making guys like Sam Howell, Terry McClaurin, and Brian Robinson look like Joe Theisman, Art Monk, and John Riggins. For the love of grown-men-who-dress-up-like-hogs. Tua is gonna look like Goddamn Dan Marino and his receivers might as well be the U.S. Olympic Track Team.  

Two things I know going into this one:

1- Vic Fangio has some shit up his sleeve. He probably spent all week in his mad scientist’s lab concocting some defensive mastery using ingredients from that fanny pack he always sports. Look at the sacks in the above graphic. Yikes. Here comes Chubb. 

2- It’s the dreaded, east coast early kickoff for our heroes in orange. Which, my entire life (sans for 1997) means they are about to have a turd-in-the-punch-bowl kind of game. And we are mighty used to those these days.

In no world do these two things go well together. 

Dolphins 27  Broncos 17

Dallas (-12.5) at Arizona

Via their local United Way program, the Arizona Cardinals visited a small orphanage in Mexico this week.

“It was sad to see the looks of apathy and hopelessness on their faces,” said Luis, age 11. 

Gimme the Cowboys.

Dallas 29  Arizona 9

CU Buffs (+21) at Oregon Ducks

Look. I don’t know if CU will win this game or not. If I trust the pundits... probably not. But I do know they are going to give themselves a chance.

Twenty-one points feels like a disrespect of Henry Blackburn proportions. Three touchdowns? To the nation’s most efficient passing offense as ran by perhaps the Heisman Trophy front runner?  Is Joey Harrington or Dan Fouts playing this Saturday for the Ducks?

Here's why this will be close enough to bet the Buffaloes:

CU's last-minute, come from behind double OT win in last Saturday’s Rocky Mountain Showdown scared people. "America" saw CU “struggle” to beat a Mountain West team at home, when just two weeks ago they watched Oregon win a non-conference game 81-7. That's what Power 5 teams are supposed to do anytime they are not playing each other. Add in the Travis Hunter effect. The two, hand-in-hand, Viagra'd this line 14 points after the futures had Oregon -7 just ten days ago.

Bet the Buffs. The cover is there. Good Lord and Sal Aunese up in Heaven, dare I say the upset is there?

Indulge me: What if CU gets themselves into a TCU-like shootout and it just so happens, at the end of the day, they have the better quarterback and playmaker? What if black & gold speed trumps green & yellow size? 

Vegas has the Over/Under for this at 70. Seventy! Which means, posting Oregon at -21 suggests the Ducks are gonna have to score like 50 points just to cover. Which also means, if you trust CU can score... a shootout is coming.

Watch my Buffs go into Autzen Stadium and win this thing. Then the roof is really gonna get torn off the mothersucker.  —Parliament.

CU 39  Oregon 38 

Shedeur Sanders and his band of play-making ruffians.
Wait a minute- being told that's George Clinton and Parliament.

Tear the roof off
We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker
Tear the roof off the sucker
Tear the roof off
We're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker
Tear the roof off the sucker

Oww, we want the funk, give up the funk
Oww, we need the funk, we gotta have the funk!

Last Week Straight Up Winners: 3-1

Last Week Against the Spread:  4-0

Season Total Straight Up Winners: 4-4

Season Total Against the Spread:  5-3

Dumb & Dumber: The Bird’s Week 2 NFL Picks

And just like that, we’re off and running! 

You know, it’s hard to believe but there were more episodes of this year’s Hard Knocks (5) than snaps taken by Aaron Rodgers in a Jets uniform (4). Damn. 

Sir. Aaron Rodgers is down.

Let’s move to Week 2, Electric Boogaloo! 

Oh. But first, a lightning quick recap of last week’s picks:

Click for a very brief recap of Week 1

Yep. Simple as that.

Off we go!

New York Giants at Arizona (+4)

There was a brief moment recently when the most repellent thing to happen this month was that Atlanta-to-Barcelona flight that had to turn around because a passenger had “violent diarrhea” all the way down the aisle at 30,000 feet.

Oh, the horror.

Then I saw Daniel Jones and Joshua Dobbs play quarterback last Sunday. 

This is disgusting.

When such repulsiveness is in play, always take the points and the under. 

Giants 20  Cardinals 17

New York Jets at Dallas (-9)

So the Jets just pulled off the equivalent of a 23-year old gamer, who happened to be in Seat 7A and has massive Air Combat 7 Xbox experience, landing a 737 after the pilot dies mid-flight over the Atlantic. Probably because some lady shit herself down the aisle.

Jesus. It won’t happen this way in Week 2 I assure you. Not for the MILF Hunter Zach Wilson against that Dallas D.

While New York’s defense should put up a better fight than did their step brothers from the Wellington Mara brood, Dallas will be far superior once again today. 

The Jets defense trying to hold up Zach Wilson
and the offense for the next 16 weeks. 

Cowboys 27  Jets 12

Washington (+3.5) at Denver 

The annual Bird Droppings “rant on the state of the Denver Broncos” is nigh, my friends. Very nigh.

I told a good friend and Droppings Gold Club Member before last week’s opener that the over/under for said rant was Week 5 1/2. We simultaneously took the under. Stay tuned. 

That being said, if you can’t beat Sam Howell at home, who can you beat?

Broncos 19   Commanders 16

Kansas City (-3.5) at Jacksonville  

Normally I would pray to God for a Jacksonville win that sends KC to an 0-2 start for the season. 

However, since God has more pressing things like Moroccan earthquake victims, Ukrainian refugees, and people from the Atlanta diarrhea plane to answer prayers for, I’ll just bet on the Chiefs and exact my reverse jinx powers. 

Chiefs 31  Jaguars 27

Enjoy the weekend of football, folks! 

Season Total Straight Up Winners: 1-3

Season Total Against the Spread:  1-3

Guess Who’s Back, Back Again: The Bird's Week 1 NFL Picks

Greetings friends!

The clamoring has become unbearable, and it is abundantly clear that a proper dose of The Bird’s prognostications about football and gambling is exactly what the people want.

Let's sound the horn and see what drops.

Our world has changed considerably since I drop-kicked the old crystal ball last season somewhere between Thanksgiving and Nathaniel Hackett’s 57th utterance of, “Well, we had a great week of practice.” 

When The Droppings were last penned, the Chiefs were the league’s model franchise, Aaron Rodgers was America’s biggest drama queen, DeShaun Watson and Donald Trump were vying for title of “most lawsuits against,” and Bill Belichick’s transition into an old woman continued unabated. 

On second thought, not much has changed. 

Except…

Sadly, the business of life has made it necessary to kick out a slightly abbreviated version of The Bird Droppings this season. I know, I know. Those of you accustomed to long but extraordinarily insightful analysis may be saddened by this turn of events.

Others of you are probably thanking a variety of deities for the break.

Either way I hold no ill will. The best thing for all of us is simply: Football is back!

So then. Riding the emotional high of that good old-fashioned ass-throttling of the Nebraska Cornhuskers we just witnessed, let’s “drop” some knowledge. 

The Bird Droppings:

Las Vegas at Denver (-3.5)

I figure it’s been ten months since I blindly believed in the Broncos despite every synapse in my brain firing off risk-assessment warnings and little siren sounds to my prefrontal cortex. With mental block like that I might as well go BASE jumping. Or, better yet, I’ll screw myself right out of the gates this season by picking the Donkeys to cover.

The Bird is at it again.

Only that guy from Free Solo who scaled El Capitan with no ropes could scoff in the face of risk better than The Bird. 

Broncos 26  Raiders 20

Cincinnati (-2) at Cleveland

Short of learning that I just woke from a thirty-year coma and that I actually believe it's 1988 again, I see no reason why I would bet the Browns here.  Even at home getting free points.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Debbie Gibson mix taping to do.

Bengals 38 Browns 35

Philadelphia (-3.5) at New England

The nagging question of whether or not William Stephen Belichick has a soul is not relevant for this particular game. At some point this season it will be, but not this week.

What is relevant is that Philadelphia, with arguably this season’s leading MVP candidate and coming off a heartbreaking Super Bowl loss, is more than competent and extremely motivated.

I need say no more.

Eagles 24  Patriots 17

Dallas at New York Giants (+3.5)

If there is one constant in the treacherous world of NFL prognostication, it is that the Dallas Cowboys will always be overvalued whenever they show the slightest signs of not sucking.

And since an 0-0 team coming off back-to-back 12-5 playoff campaigns can’t officially be classified as sucking in the grand scheme of things, it makes perfect sense that the metallic blue pants would be so generously favored here. 

If you believe in trends, you might take the ‘Boys this day. They have covered in 4 of the last 5 meetings. You probably also wear a new-age fanny pack around your clavicle. Hey, you do you however you see fit as far as trends go.

The Bird laughs at such trends. 

Not me though. I like the G-Men getting points as home dawgs in the SNF opener. They might even win this thing.

Giants 23  Cowboys 20

Football is here. Boulder Colorado is alive and at the epicenter of the sport. And Nathaniel Hackett lives 1,800 miles away from Russel Wilson. What a time to be alive.

Until next time. Be well, my fiends!