Guess Who’s Back, Back Again: The Bird's Week 1 NFL Picks

Greetings friends!

The clamoring has become unbearable, and it is abundantly clear that a proper dose of The Bird’s prognostications about football and gambling is exactly what the people want.

Let's sound the horn and see what drops.

Our world has changed considerably since I drop-kicked the old crystal ball last season somewhere between Thanksgiving and Nathaniel Hackett’s 57th utterance of, “Well, we had a great week of practice.” 

When The Droppings were last penned, the Chiefs were the league’s model franchise, Aaron Rodgers was America’s biggest drama queen, DeShaun Watson and Donald Trump were vying for title of “most lawsuits against,” and Bill Belichick’s transition into an old woman continued unabated. 

On second thought, not much has changed. 

Except…

Sadly, the business of life has made it necessary to kick out a slightly abbreviated version of The Bird Droppings this season. I know, I know. Those of you accustomed to long but extraordinarily insightful analysis may be saddened by this turn of events.

Others of you are probably thanking a variety of deities for the break.

Either way I hold no ill will. The best thing for all of us is simply: Football is back!

So then. Riding the emotional high of that good old-fashioned ass-throttling of the Nebraska Cornhuskers we just witnessed, let’s “drop” some knowledge. 

The Bird Droppings:

Las Vegas at Denver (-3.5)

I figure it’s been ten months since I blindly believed in the Broncos despite every synapse in my brain firing off risk-assessment warnings and little siren sounds to my prefrontal cortex. With mental block like that I might as well go BASE jumping. Or, better yet, I’ll screw myself right out of the gates this season by picking the Donkeys to cover.

The Bird is at it again.

Only that guy from Free Solo who scaled El Capitan with no ropes could scoff in the face of risk better than The Bird. 

Broncos 26  Raiders 20

Cincinnati (-2) at Cleveland

Short of learning that I just woke from a thirty-year coma and that I actually believe it's 1988 again, I see no reason why I would bet the Browns here.  Even at home getting free points.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Debbie Gibson mix taping to do.

Bengals 38 Browns 35

Philadelphia (-3.5) at New England

The nagging question of whether or not William Stephen Belichick has a soul is not relevant for this particular game. At some point this season it will be, but not this week.

What is relevant is that Philadelphia, with arguably this season’s leading MVP candidate and coming off a heartbreaking Super Bowl loss, is more than competent and extremely motivated.

I need say no more.

Eagles 24  Patriots 17

Dallas at New York Giants (+3.5)

If there is one constant in the treacherous world of NFL prognostication, it is that the Dallas Cowboys will always be overvalued whenever they show the slightest signs of not sucking.

And since an 0-0 team coming off back-to-back 12-5 playoff campaigns can’t officially be classified as sucking in the grand scheme of things, it makes perfect sense that the metallic blue pants would be so generously favored here. 

If you believe in trends, you might take the ‘Boys this day. They have covered in 4 of the last 5 meetings. You probably also wear a new-age fanny pack around your clavicle. Hey, you do you however you see fit as far as trends go.

The Bird laughs at such trends. 

Not me though. I like the G-Men getting points as home dawgs in the SNF opener. They might even win this thing.

Giants 23  Cowboys 20

Football is here. Boulder Colorado is alive and at the epicenter of the sport. And Nathaniel Hackett lives 1,800 miles away from Russel Wilson. What a time to be alive.

Until next time. Be well, my fiends!