Last week was one of those perfect storm Sundays where just about everyone who knows even a little bit about football got hosed as upsets and bad beats trickled in all over the place.
Meanwhile Diane Chambers walked into the bar with such analytical acuity as the Jets wear prettier helmets than the Bengals and, in real life there is no way a Falcon could ever beat a Panther, and found great rewards for her keen predictions!
The entire weekend, from key injuries to game-impacting horrible calls, seemed otherworldly.
Pittsburgh's kicker got a concussion, backup quarterbacks with less notoriety than the milk man were leading teams to unexpected wins, and the comedy duo of Vic Fangio and Pat Shurmur were running plays, stopping the clock, and fumbling the ball over to the other team with less than a minute to go and a 7 point lead. I'm telling you, everything about Week 8 was absurd.
Let’s hope for an end to such silliness this weekend so that we may all get back on track. Diane would like to inform you that teams in blue, red, and pewter are sitting this week out as Detroit, Seattle, Washington and Tampa all have byes.
Week 9 is here. Cheers!
New York Jets at Indianapolis (-10.5)
I'm seriously having trouble figuring out the Indianapolis Colts. Are they a borderline-good team trapped in a borderline-not-as-good-as-I-think body? Or are they a border-line good team who just happens to have some respectable losses against very good teams?
That dilemma sucks for picking this game because I'm just as equally confused as to how in the hell the New York Jets can lose 54-13 one week and then beat the number one team in the AFC the next.
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The Bird needs a lifeline to figure this one out.
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I guess through 8 weeks you kind of are who you are, although I’m learning the hard way that I still don't know what that means for either of these teams. I'll take the Colts to win and I’ll remind (convince?) myself that despite notching two huge upsets vs. Tennessee and Cincinnati, the Jets are still pretty damn shitty. Final answer.
Colts 30 Jets 14
Houston (+5.5) at Miami
I am almost too excited to pick here. Just kidding.
But in a match up of two crappy teams from two apathetic cities, who failed to make a DeShaun Watson trade in order to make this one slightly more entertaining for anyone unfortunate enough to have to watch it, it’s wise to just take the points and pray for your own soul.
Dolphins 20 Texans 18
Denver at Dallas (-9.5)
Even if the Cowboys are smart enough to rest Dak Prescot's calf for one more week and play that backup quarterback no one has ever heard of, I still think they are far superior to a Broncos team that just traded away the heart and soul of their franchise and who continues to torture their fans with pathetic coaching and a boring play book that is to football as snappers are to fireworks.
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Pat Shurmur's Denver Offense. Stand back!
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Cowboys 30 Broncos 17
Cleveland at Cincinnati (-2.5)
As if spending last week in the division cellar wasn’t bad enough for the Cleveland Browns, now Baker Mayfield is getting LaVar Ball’d by Odell Beckham Jr.’s dad and his head coach publicly used the “D” word in describing his team as desperate. Sans for the gift of playing the Denver Broncos a couple of Thursday’s ago, they could very well be on a four game skid and quickly reverting to their Factory of Sadness days.
I also don’t feel any better about a Cincinnati squad whom just two weeks ago I picked to lose to Detroit under the very premise that the Bengals always have some Bungle in them. Turns out, I was a week too soon in predicting such bungling as last week the Bingle-Bengal-Bungles sullied their once-rising reputation by laying a Cincinnati steamer against the Jets.
Heavy sigh. Ohio.
I’ll pick the striped helmets here, but only on the laurels that getting screwed by a laughable reffing decision last week is probably sufficient motivation for an angry win at home this week. Plus, the embarrassment of losing to the freaking Jets should spark the embers of redemption.
Oh! And we're nearing the 32nd anniversary of my favorite impromptu public announcement speech in the history of impromptu public announcement speeches. Cincinnati it is!
Bengals 27 Browns 23
Minnesota at Baltimore (-6)
It’s hard not to go with Baltimore here, coming off a bye and against a Vikings team who just lost a pivotal game at home to a guy named Cooper Rush.
The purple Norsemen haven’t lost by more than 7 points this year, so the trend suggests taking Minnie plus the points. But who am I to follow lame trends? Baltimore wins and covers.
Ravens 30 Vikings 20
Las Vegas (-3) at New York Giants
As a lifelong Bronco fan and Raider hater, even I have to admit feelings of deep sympathy for what has happened to the Silver & Black these past few weeks.
I'll say this: the last time such upsetting misfortune settled in on Las Vegas, they took a serendipitous road trip to get away, rallied around each other, and beat the crap out of the Broncos. Since the Broncos have already beaten the crap out of the Giants, I can only expect a rallied Raider team to do similar.
Raiders 27 Giants 16
Atlanta (+7) at New Orleans
Calling simply on my lost nightmares of 2016, I cannot fathom why a Trevor Siemian lead team would be favored by a touchdown over a divisional rival and Matt Ryan, Rob or Rex Ryan, Meg Ryan, or any other Ryan who might be lining up across the way.
Except for the Saints are starting to show a lot of talent in a lot of areas and just hammered Tom Brady and the Bucs… with Trevor Siemian. Good gawd, I’m so jealous of well-coached teams.
Hunch says I should pick the fleur-de-lis here but divisional games usually produce close contests. I don't believe in Trevor Siemian enough to bet on the Saints, and I don’t trust the dirty birds enough to pick Atlanta to win. So a Falcons cover is the best I can convince myself of.
Saints 24 Falcons 20
Buffalo (-14) at Jacksonville
Just as I am learning to
not trust the Chiefs and Broncos to cover any spreads as favorites, nor the Lions to beat any line no matter how many points you give them as underdogs; I am equally learning that Buffalo
can absolutely be trusted to beat the crap out of crappy teams.
Bills 37 Jaguars 17
New England (-3.5) at Carolina
Normally I’d say a concussed and sidelined Sam Darnold is a blessing in disguise for the Panthers, but then I looked at their roster and realized the law firm of Love, Morgan, and Walker currently make up Carolina’s other quarterbacking options.
I can only assume Pats coach Mama Fratelli is licking her chops here.
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Pic of Bill Belichick preparing for
Carolina's quarterbacks this Sunday.
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Patriots 23 Panthers 16
Los Angeles Chargers (-2) at Philadelphia
I'll admit my tendencies to lean towards teams who are still winless at home this late in the season despite having traditionally raucous home field advantages. You know, like Philly does, what with their proud history of throwing snowballs at Santa Claus and booing little children with cancer and all.
That being said, I like LA here coming off a bye well rested and well prepared against an Eagles team who has lost by an average of 8 points per game in three home losses already.
Chargers 31 Eagles 24
Arizona (-1) at San Francisco
It’s not advisable to bet this game as Arizona has stated both Kyler Murray and DeAndre Hopkins are game time decisions. Since I am picking three days before game time, I guess I’ll grab the Cardinals here and hope Murray gets to play.
Cardinals 26 49’ers 19
Green Bay (+7.5) at Kansas City
With no Aaron Rodgers in the mix, this becomes a much more difficult game to assess for this prognosticator. I suppose if Jordan Love is going to make his NFL debut, who better to do it against than the team who has made all opposing quarterbacks and offenses look like Aaron Rodgers and Co. anyway?
The football sadist in me would find extreme satisfaction in watching Kansas City fall at home to a rookie QB thrown into the fire four days before the game because of a Covid situation, and I won’t hide that I am actively rooting for this.
That being said I’ll play it safe and pick the Chiefs to win a shootout, but because I can smell the stench of their defense from my seat here in Denver, I’ll go ahead and bet that Green Bay can keep up enough to keep it within 8. Just how well Jordan Love has handled his 18-month apprenticeship is the major wild card in this one though.
Chiefs 31 Packers 24
Tennessee at Los Angeles Rams (-7)
One team lost their most important player, Pro Bowler, and future Hall of Famer last week; the other added a Super Bowl MVP, Pro Bowler, and future Hall of Famer last week. Sound betting analysis if you ask me.
Rams 33 Titans 20
Chicago at Pittsburgh (-6)
Don't look now but Pittsburgh is on a roll, has reestablished themselves as a run heavy/tough defensive team of ham 'n eggers, and have notched three straight victories in their ascension from the AFC North basement.
Chicago remains a leaf in the wind and they return their head coach --the only guy in the league calling worse plays than the nimrod in Denver-- back to the sidelines. Not a good look.
Pittsburgh is the obvious pick.
Steelers 25 Bears 15
These have been your Week 9 Bird Droppings. From the blog where everybody knows your name. Cheers!
Last Week Straight Up Winners: 7-8
Current Season Total Straight Up Winners: 82-40
Last Week Against the Spread: 6-9
Current Season Total Against the Spread: 66-54-2
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