Shake It Mama, Shake It: The Bird's Super Bowl LVI Pick

Line: Rams by 4 1/2

For the first time in many, many years, this Sunday's Super Bowl does not contain any Brady's, Belichick's, Chiefs, Seahawks, Harbaugh's, Maroon 5/Travis Scott halftime shows, Denver Bronco opponents... or anything else I love to root against. In fact, this year's big game is full of the exact opposite. 

Both teams are likeable. Both have intriguing story lines worth rooting for. And each team is replete with precise skill in almost every position on the field. Oh and move over, Adam Levine. I swear if this halftime show concludes with a hologram of Tupac showing up and closing out the intermission party with a California Love duet with Dr. Dre, I just might wet myself. 

Yep. I'm looking forward to this Super Bowl more than any other (that didn't include my Denver Broncos) since probably... ever.

So. Who wins? you ask.

For that, let's examine the obverse reasons why each team might raise the Lombardi:

 

Reasons why the Rams will win:

1. Matt Stafford. Never before has one team (or one man) played a Super Bowl for what feels like two cities. Sure, many have played while multiple other cities openly rooted against them (Browns fans hated John Elway’s Broncos and Art Model’s Ravens; All 31 other fan bases vehemently root against Bill Belichick’s Patriots, etc.), but this year feels as if both the Schlitz-drinking blue-collars of Detroit and the wine-sipping influencers of Los Angeles are sending love and good cheer for Matt Stafford’s Rams. He’s got all of California and Michigan in his corner. Hell, if he wins Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida he could be president. 
2. Geography. Speaking of Matt Stafford: the guy has lived and worked in freaking Detroit, Michigan, the largest city in human history to ever file for bankruptcy for Lee Iococa’s sake, for ten damn years with nary a raise or probably even a toilet that flushed properly. He’s gotta feel like little Charlie Bucket with a Wonka Golden Ticket. He's in his cushy new stadium and playing the biggest game of his life "at home." When it’s time to fly that magic elevator into the atmosphere, you gotta believe he’s going full-throttle.
3. Defense. If the Titans and Chiefs got to Joe Burrow 30 times in two weeks, I can only imagine what Aaron Donald & Co. will do. The prop gambler in me wants to wager Von Miller becomes the first man to ever win SB MVP from the defensive side of the ball two times, but even if not, the Rams defense should feast. This could be ugly for Joe Brrr. 
4. Skill and experience. Lastly, the Rams are better. Sure, the Bengals have been fun… really fun. But where the Bengals are fun, the Rams are business. They are a complete team in all three phases, they have the more experienced (and probably eager) coach, and they were just here three years ago tasting the agony of defeat on the biggest stage whilst Tom Brady and Bill Belichick made us all vomit in our mouths yet again. LA, for all intents and purposes, didn’t get here on whimsical finishes and Cinderella storylines. They’re here because they belong here. And many of us believed this back in September just as we do today. 

Reasons why the Bengals will win:

1. Fate. Only two quarterbacks in history have won a college National Championship AND a Super Bowl. They were both named Joe. For real? I’m telling ya, this is setting up so well for young Mr. Burrow.
2. Swagger. At first thought, I said to myself, “How in the hell is an offensive line that has let their QB get sacked 13 times —in this postseason alone!?— going to keep #9 from getting killed by the likes of Aaron Donald, Von Miller, Leonard Floyd, and company?” Then I remembered, it doesn’t matter. It’s Joe effing Burrow... the man who walked into the prom as a nobody and strolled off with the prom queen (more on that in a minute). But there is something to say about unbridled confidence. I believe Master Shifu once said, “A flower doesn’t concern itself with the flower next to it. It just blooms.” This seems to be the Zen of Joe Burrow.
   
3. Defense. The thing about Cincinnati that no one is talking about: their defense. After amassing 311 yards in the first 30 minutes, the Chiefs had a total of 83 yards in the second half and overtime last Sunday. We’ve never seen any defense do that to the Chiefs. In fact, Cincinnati’s D has shut down and caused key sacks and turnovers in consecutive weeks against the AFC’s #1 and #2 seeds… on the road. They have 6 interceptions this postseason and trust me, they all fall under the category of “big time plays in key moments.” Much will be said about LA’s star-studded defense this weekend (myself included, above), but Cincinnati’s D might currently be more impressive if we’re being honest.
4. Mojo. Two weeks ago the Bengals were on the ropes for the entire first half in a game that looked like it was going to be the rout that many predicted it would be. Then? Then Joe Burrow swooped in after halftime like the new kid from another town who shows up at a brand new school and immediately has all the girls fawning over him. Calm, cool, and irrationally confident.

Meanwhile the resident asshole of the school, let’s say the varsity QB, who has never had to try for anything in life because of his God-given talent and good looks, starts tripping over his own shoelaces and clumsily slamming his fingers in his locker because of the distraction in the hallways around him. 

 

Yep. New kid showed up to the dance, stole Pat Mahomes’ girl, and peeled out of the parking lot with the hot chick riding shotgun in his IROC-Z.

It was damn glorious.

Joe Burrow slides in as Patrick
Mahomes heads to get some punch.

 

 

The Pick:

This is refreshing. Not having to collectively cuss under our breath about lucky asswipes and cheating sons of bitches every time we dip our Tostitos, will make this a fun Super Bowl for all of us. There are plenty of reasons to like both teams, and I feel like general happiness will flow no matter who wins, making it kinda like that time Tony Dungee and Lovie Smith faced off in SB15YearsAgo for the right to become the first black head coach to lead his team to a championship. How can we lose??

It feels glorious, if not unprecedented. It feels unexpected, if not miraculous. And it feels exciting, if not down right intoxicating.

As for my pick? Well, if I’ve learned anything this postseason, it’s that the overwhelming trend has been: TAKE THE POINTS! Take the points, then kick back and watch some of the best, nail-biting-fantastic-finish football we’ve ever seen!

On those merits I’ll bet the Bengals, plus the 4. But as victors go, I just can’t imagine Cincinnati’s offensive line stopping the Rams’ front and edge rushers. Joe Burrow is definitely the kind of guy who can steal a win, but I think Aaron Donald or Von Miller will be MVP this day.

Well, besides the real MVP: hologram Tupac. 

California...knows how to party.

Rams 30  Bengals 27

Playoffs Straight Up Winners: 8-4

Playoffs Against the Spread:  5-7

Season Total Straight Up Winners: 189-101

Season Total Against the Spread:  152-135-3

Thanks for your readership this season, my friends!

Bird Droppings. We keep it rockin’… we keep it rockin’!